Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

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Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn't for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.
I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn't help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .
Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .
 

SURAH FAITHA - THE CURE FOR EVERYTHING - ILLNESS , PAIN , DISTRESSS ........READ AND SAY AMEEEN

SURAH FAITHA - THE CURE FOR EVERYTHING - ILLNESS , PAIN , DISTRESSS ........READ AND SAY AMEEEN

Bismillāhi r-raḥmāni r-raḥīm
1:1 In the name of ALLAH, the Lord of Mercy, the Giver of Mercy!

... Al ḥamdu lillāhi rabbi l-’ālamīn
1:2 Praise belongs to ALLAH , Lord of the Worlds,

Ar raḥmāni r-raḥīm
1:3 the Lord of Mercy, the Giver of Mercy,

Māliki yawmi d-dīn
1:4 Master of the Day of Judgement.

Iyyāka na’budu wa iyyāka nasta’īn
1:5 It is You we worship; it is You we ask for help.

Ihdinā ṣ-ṣirāṭ al-mustaqīm
1:6 Guide us to the straight path:

Ṣirāṭ al-laḏīna an’amta ‘alayhim ġayril maġḍūbi ‘alayhim walāḍ ḍāllīn
1:7 the path of those You have blessed, those who incur no anger and who have not gone astray.

Update on depression

Ok ok I know it has been a while since I have posted I have been busy getting the runaround I have a appointment inshaallah with the doctor on January 3rd to talk about my depression yeah I know it is almost a week away but it was the very first appointment they had ..................................................
Still trying to figure out the head ache thing so far physical therapy hasn't help any pain still there so is the nausated and dizzness , blood tests came back normal so not that now just have to go step by step feel like a rat on a wheel sometimes .....................................................
Still struggling with my prayers Allah help me find the path back to prayer why is it so hard to pray .............................Why does my mind dart from one thing to another???????????????? What is going on why do I alway feel so dam tired and am not able to sleep ?
Been better at house cleaning but still feel so sad and lonely as well as unable to sleep .
I seek refuge in Allah

head ache update

Been a while since I have posted to be quite honest I have been very busy life seems to be moving at super sonic speed with taking care of bint and ibn as well as trying to keep the house clean and dealing with the unending head ache yesterday saw a physical therapist and she confirmed that it is indeed cause by the muscles in my neck and shoulders being  being so knotted up she gave me some stretches to do 3 times a day and also some strength  excises to make my should blades stronger and help relieve the pain in  my neck she said the pain will get worse before it gets better so I am following her advice and will keep you all updated 

Forgotten anniversary

Yesterday was our Fifth wedding anniversary and guess what as you know it he forgot again well technical the first 3 it doesn't count because he was out of the state and he did remember to bring back presents but this year he just plain old forgot and I made sure he knew it was coming up I marked it on the calendar and gave him several hints last week I flat out asked him if he had plans for the 1st of December and he said no why so I said it's been 5 years he just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about .........................
My day yesterday was blah to begin with I still have the never ending head ache it just won't go away , nothing I have tried has worked so I went to the doctor yeah I know it is no fun going to the doctor and to make matters worse I had to take Bint and Ibn to the doctors office I had to walk from home to the office it's a good 30 minute walk the weather was cold but no so cold it was unmanageable, I bungled up the children nice and warm and off we went got to the office and checked in then had to wait and wait some more then got called back to the room for more waiting finally got to see the doctor she thinks it is related to my muscles and is a combination  of a   tension headache and a migraine and because I have so many allergies to medications and weird reactions she doesn't want to prescribe medication so we are going with physical therapy to see if that will help , while at the doctors office they offered me a flu shot so I got one as did  Bint and Ibn they fussed only a tiny bit then we came back had lunch and I went to the library got books then let the children play in the park for a good 2 1/2 hours because now it is fairly nice outside .
Came home and cleaned the house only to have Bint mess it up in 3 seconds flat  so I re-cleaned the house and   did afternoon prayers the ones I missed while at the doctors office . Then I pulled out some chicken defrosted it in the microwave  , peeled and chopped garlic and onion then sauteed them in a pan until done boiled water to cook noodles then I took some tomato pasta sauce mixed with the chicken then sprinkled Parmesan cheese then baked it in the oven until it was all hot and melty then I waited for hubby to come home but he didn't come home for a long time Bint got fussy so I feed her an Ibn then I put Ibn to sleep as he was tired , Bint watched some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes .
Finally hubby comes home he's in a rotten mood   and starts yelling about the house as far as he's concerned the house is never clean or neat enough I picked up Bint's mess feed him dinner then made hot chocolate milk and served pie for desert  then I put the children to bed Bint woke up Ibn now he's fussy from being awakened .
I gave hubby a very sweet anniversary card with a piece of dark chocolate and he just ignored me he went to bed how is that for a happy anniversary I feel invisible and ignored after hubby was asleep I laid in bed and cried   , he never remembers special days  unless it is with the children he remembers Bint's birthdays and makes a big deal but he never remembers my birthday or any other special day .
He didn't even bother to ask how the doctor's visit went !
I guess I am invisible!