Saturday, December 3, 2011

trying something new

Ok so I know the first few posts have been kinda whiny and depressing so I will try to highlight the positive in my life I have come to realize that whining and griping is not going to help me grow in my faith and deen as well as help me over come my feelings of depression and pain.
Just how I will do this I haven't figured out all the details so I guess I will try several things and what works I'll keep doing what doesn't work I will discard yeah I know sounds a lot like life ..........................
I will inshaallah be back later to update my post this is all for now..................
Today was a great day I got to hang out with my friend and go on a long walk with the children
my head ache seems to be a bit better it is not as bad as yesterday and inshaallah it will go away soon

Friday, December 2, 2011

Forgotten anniversary

Yesterday was our Fifth wedding anniversary and guess what as you know it he forgot again well technical the first 3 it doesn't count because he was out of the state and he did remember to bring back presents but this year he just plain old forgot and I made sure he knew it was coming up I marked it on the calendar and gave him several hints last week I flat out asked him if he had plans for the 1st of December and he said no why so I said it's been 5 years he just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about .........................
My day yesterday was blah to begin with I still have the never ending head ache it just won't go away , nothing I have tried has worked so I went to the doctor yeah I know it is no fun going to the doctor and to make matters worse I had to take Bint and Ibn to the doctors office I had to walk from home to the office it's a good 30 minute walk the weather was cold but no so cold it was unmanageable, I bungled up the children nice and warm and off we went got to the office and checked in then had to wait and wait some more then got called back to the room for more waiting finally got to see the doctor she thinks it is related to my muscles and is a combination  of a   tension headache and a migraine and because I have so many allergies to medications and weird reactions she doesn't want to prescribe medication so we are going with physical therapy to see if that will help , while at the doctors office they offered me a flu shot so I got one as did  Bint and Ibn they fussed only a tiny bit then we came back had lunch and I went to the library got books then let the children play in the park for a good 2 1/2 hours because now it is fairly nice outside .
Came home and cleaned the house only to have Bint mess it up in 3 seconds flat  so I re-cleaned the house and   did afternoon prayers the ones I missed while at the doctors office . Then I pulled out some chicken defrosted it in the microwave  , peeled and chopped garlic and onion then sauteed them in a pan until done boiled water to cook noodles then I took some tomato pasta sauce mixed with the chicken then sprinkled Parmesan cheese then baked it in the oven until it was all hot and melty then I waited for hubby to come home but he didn't come home for a long time Bint got fussy so I feed her an Ibn then I put Ibn to sleep as he was tired , Bint watched some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes .
Finally hubby comes home he's in a rotten mood   and starts yelling about the house as far as he's concerned the house is never clean or neat enough I picked up Bint's mess feed him dinner then made hot chocolate milk and served pie for desert  then I put the children to bed Bint woke up Ibn now he's fussy from being awakened .
I gave hubby a very sweet anniversary card with a piece of dark chocolate and he just ignored me he went to bed how is that for a happy anniversary I feel invisible and ignored after hubby was asleep I laid in bed and cried   , he never remembers special days  unless it is with the children he remembers Bint's birthdays and makes a big deal but he never remembers my birthday or any other special day .
He didn't even bother to ask how the doctor's visit went !
I guess I am invisible!


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

becoming a Moroccan housewife

Ok I have been fighting becoming a stay at home mom and housewife !
Yeah I know some people long to stay home and keep house other are wrapped up in their careers, then there are those who don't have a choice in the matter and either have to work full time or part time to ear earn a living .
I have a choice and my choice is to stay home and raise the children .......................
A bit of background so you will know were I am coming from I was born and raised in the usa my childhood was far from normal , lets just leave the childhood at that best leave the past in the past no need to open old wounds and hurts.
I reverted to Islam in 2004 and the next three years were a trying time in my life.
I married a Moroccan in 2006 and then set about life as normal worked crazy hours for the next few years in 2008 had surgery to untwist my tubes also was in a car accident 3 days after the surgery the car accident messed up my back , neck and hip have seen countless doctors and no one can find a way to relief the pain .
Had a daughter in 2009 and after 3 months on leave returned to work but decided that the work was to much  on top of breastfeeding and caring for a infant , also have always struggled with depression all my life . When my daughter was 8 months old I got pregnant it just happened one day I was fine and busy with life then the next I was pregnant and barfing over the smell of everything the first part of the pregnancy was rough had a cyst and something called a subchorionic hematoma which is a scary way of saying a blood blister inside between the uterus and the placenta and I was on bed rest for a while which is really hard with a very mobile baby who is learning to walk .  now I have a healthy baby boy he was born 2 days after my birthday , my daughter and son are 17 months apart and for the first 6 months of my son's life his sister disliked him and would be mean to him now she has finally accepted him and plays with him but her idea of play isn't always nice she loves to play rough and tumble .
I will be posting about my struggles on becoming a housewife and stay at home mom