Life in Morocco

I haven't blogged in a long time mostly because I have been busy , life has a funny way of sneaking up and distracting us since I last posted a lot has happened.

To catch everyone up on what has happened I will be brief summary here goes , I have a special needs 4 year old Princess a 3 year old Monkey (boy) and was on bed rest most of 2013 pregnant with Bouncing baby boy , he is now 10 month old . In January I came to morocco to visit my in laws and still here I am .

Life in morocco is different to say the least no one recognizes mental illness and they just give in to the children's whining if they whine for candy then they get said candy  .

I had health issues and had to go off all my medications which hasn't been easy it has been really hard and no one seems to understand what it's like , my moods are all over the place and I hardly sleep to keep from dwelling on how I feel at night I stay up and watch old tv series on my computer , I would crochet but I ran out of yarn two months ago and am still waiting to betaken to the store to buy yarn I was told tomorrow well tomorrow has never came.

Everything happens in super slow motion if you want something it's always tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow still waiting for tomorrow .

Bi Polar Fog

I haven’t written or posted in a while I haven’t done much of anything in a long time been having a really hard time fighting this depression , well it’s more than depression since I last posted I have been diagnosed with bipolar and let me be frank bipolar just plain sucks it does answer a lot of questions  I have had such as how can one be depressed and agitated , annoyed and restless that is what’s called a mixed state. 

One thing no one tells you is once your diagnosed you feel relieved to final have a name for it but naming it doesn’t help one feel less lonely and depressed now said person is considered defective , having a mental illness is the hardest and loneliest thing one can live with . 

 The best way I know how to describe bi polar is imagine you are surrounded by the most dense thick dark fog it wraps itself around you and now you can’t see anything so you are stumbling through the fog , imagine that your legs are stuck in a bog and you are struggling to get free the more you struggle the more it consumes you. Talking about how you feel can be very hard even exhausting it is just plain exhausting because every day you wake up you are battling depression and its symptoms some are so small that one doesn't notice it until it becomes big and rears its head . Medications can help but one must first play medication roulette   some medications will work and other do nothing but make it worse or one is allergic to said medications , also some will work but cause undesirable side effects such as weight gain tiredness , dizziness so one must always weight the risks and benefits. The way I look at it is if the medications help and out way the risks then I will take them some side effects can be manged such as sleepiness , that can be a plus if one has trouble sleeping . One must research and keep up to date on bipolar and depression .

I am now just coming out of the depression fog it is a hard painful and lonely journey and one must always walk it alone there might be people around you but no one can feel what you feel when you are feeling it the best thing a person could say to a depressed, sad or lonely person is I’m here for you , you want to talk I’ll listen you want to sit and say nothing I’ll be here for you. Always remember to treat people with kindness and to smile a smile can help a person more than you know.    

winter update

Life has a way of getting in the way of my blog I am sorry that life has been so chatioc that I was unable to blog for a while ..................
here is a brief update on my life so far I have seen the doctor for my head ache and started physical therapy for my head ache it has helped zip head ache is still here ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have seen a mental health person and she has increased my dosage of medication doesn't seem to have done anything but medication takes time to work.
Both children have been sick with a nasty virus and we had alot of winter weather had some snow and a bunch of rain then alot of flooding so been stuck in the house with 2 sick cranky stair crazy children.

I feel like I have no friends here I mean there are people who I chat with online but that is the extent of our friendship.
I lack a support system here I don't have anyone I can rely on if I need to I feel lost and adrift .
I feel like the muslim sisters here have formed their own groups of friends and they are in some ways cliquie I don't really feel like I have any friends ..................................................................
I haven't been sleeping well I have tried working on my sleep I go to bed at the same time every night I sleep poorly I have weird and scary dreams and when I wake my whole body is sore and stiff , my body aches and my joints and mucsles and bones make popping and cracking sounds

Forgotten anniversary

Yesterday was our Fifth wedding anniversary and guess what as you know it he forgot again well technical the first 3 it doesn't count because he was out of the state and he did remember to bring back presents but this year he just plain old forgot and I made sure he knew it was coming up I marked it on the calendar and gave him several hints last week I flat out asked him if he had plans for the 1st of December and he said no why so I said it's been 5 years he just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about .........................
My day yesterday was blah to begin with I still have the never ending head ache it just won't go away , nothing I have tried has worked so I went to the doctor yeah I know it is no fun going to the doctor and to make matters worse I had to take Bint and Ibn to the doctors office I had to walk from home to the office it's a good 30 minute walk the weather was cold but no so cold it was unmanageable, I bungled up the children nice and warm and off we went got to the office and checked in then had to wait and wait some more then got called back to the room for more waiting finally got to see the doctor she thinks it is related to my muscles and is a combination  of a   tension headache and a migraine and because I have so many allergies to medications and weird reactions she doesn't want to prescribe medication so we are going with physical therapy to see if that will help , while at the doctors office they offered me a flu shot so I got one as did  Bint and Ibn they fussed only a tiny bit then we came back had lunch and I went to the library got books then let the children play in the park for a good 2 1/2 hours because now it is fairly nice outside .
Came home and cleaned the house only to have Bint mess it up in 3 seconds flat  so I re-cleaned the house and   did afternoon prayers the ones I missed while at the doctors office . Then I pulled out some chicken defrosted it in the microwave  , peeled and chopped garlic and onion then sauteed them in a pan until done boiled water to cook noodles then I took some tomato pasta sauce mixed with the chicken then sprinkled Parmesan cheese then baked it in the oven until it was all hot and melty then I waited for hubby to come home but he didn't come home for a long time Bint got fussy so I feed her an Ibn then I put Ibn to sleep as he was tired , Bint watched some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes .
Finally hubby comes home he's in a rotten mood   and starts yelling about the house as far as he's concerned the house is never clean or neat enough I picked up Bint's mess feed him dinner then made hot chocolate milk and served pie for desert  then I put the children to bed Bint woke up Ibn now he's fussy from being awakened .
I gave hubby a very sweet anniversary card with a piece of dark chocolate and he just ignored me he went to bed how is that for a happy anniversary I feel invisible and ignored after hubby was asleep I laid in bed and cried   , he never remembers special days  unless it is with the children he remembers Bint's birthdays and makes a big deal but he never remembers my birthday or any other special day .
He didn't even bother to ask how the doctor's visit went !
I guess I am invisible!