Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

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Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn't for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.
I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn't help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .
Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .
 

Bi Polar Fog

I haven’t written or posted in a while I haven’t done much of anything in a long time been having a really hard time fighting this depression , well it’s more than depression since I last posted I have been diagnosed with bipolar and let me be frank bipolar just plain sucks it does answer a lot of questions  I have had such as how can one be depressed and agitated , annoyed and restless that is what’s called a mixed state. 

One thing no one tells you is once your diagnosed you feel relieved to final have a name for it but naming it doesn’t help one feel less lonely and depressed now said person is considered defective , having a mental illness is the hardest and loneliest thing one can live with . 

 The best way I know how to describe bi polar is imagine you are surrounded by the most dense thick dark fog it wraps itself around you and now you can’t see anything so you are stumbling through the fog , imagine that your legs are stuck in a bog and you are struggling to get free the more you struggle the more it consumes you. Talking about how you feel can be very hard even exhausting it is just plain exhausting because every day you wake up you are battling depression and its symptoms some are so small that one doesn't notice it until it becomes big and rears its head . Medications can help but one must first play medication roulette   some medications will work and other do nothing but make it worse or one is allergic to said medications , also some will work but cause undesirable side effects such as weight gain tiredness , dizziness so one must always weight the risks and benefits. The way I look at it is if the medications help and out way the risks then I will take them some side effects can be manged such as sleepiness , that can be a plus if one has trouble sleeping . One must research and keep up to date on bipolar and depression .

I am now just coming out of the depression fog it is a hard painful and lonely journey and one must always walk it alone there might be people around you but no one can feel what you feel when you are feeling it the best thing a person could say to a depressed, sad or lonely person is I’m here for you , you want to talk I’ll listen you want to sit and say nothing I’ll be here for you. Always remember to treat people with kindness and to smile a smile can help a person more than you know.