Update on depression

Ok ok I know it has been a while since I have posted I have been busy getting the runaround I have a appointment inshaallah with the doctor on January 3rd to talk about my depression yeah I know it is almost a week away but it was the very first appointment they had ..................................................
Still trying to figure out the head ache thing so far physical therapy hasn't help any pain still there so is the nausated and dizzness , blood tests came back normal so not that now just have to go step by step feel like a rat on a wheel sometimes .....................................................
Still struggling with my prayers Allah help me find the path back to prayer why is it so hard to pray .............................Why does my mind dart from one thing to another???????????????? What is going on why do I alway feel so dam tired and am not able to sleep ?
Been better at house cleaning but still feel so sad and lonely as well as unable to sleep .
I seek refuge in Allah

Hijab Poem

Hijab
Dress in black got it all covered up
They think I'm oppressed
But really who's depress?
I wear to express
... The true color I posses
So the time has come for me to confess
Stop the stereotyping I request
I don't like them fancy dresses
Or public presses
To hear me loud and clear
As my modesty speaks without fear~Author Unknown

 

 

I didn't write this poem but it does explain how I feel so I am posting it

becoming _a_moroccan_housewife: In need of help with deprssion and housework

becoming _a_moroccan_housewife: In need of help with deprssion and housework: Ok ok I will admit I need help with my depression , my medication is no longer working and the depression is starting to affect my housework...

In need of help with deprssion and housework

Ok ok I will admit I need help with my depression , my medication is no longer working and the depression is starting to affect my housework , I keep a clean house it is just when I am depressed I don't keep the house as clean as a muslim is suppose to .
Cleanlness is really big in Islam , one should always have their house super clean you never know when company will drop by .
My friend S called me this morning and said she was coming over , we meet on Saturdays , So I picked up the house washed the dishes and stashed away the toys by the time I got done my baby girl had already messed up the house ah the joy of toddlers.
My friend she came over and brang her MIL ( mother in law) while she my friend was at my house she helped me pick up all the toys and put them away she has the nicest ways of helping without making a person feel bad or more depressed . After I made and served everyone lunch and cleaned up the kitchen we all took the children to the park to play for a few hours then went to pick up our food from the food place . I walked her and her MIL to the bus stop then I came home put the food away and now I am sitting here feel bad about how my house looks I try and try to keep it clean like my husband likes and wants but I feel like I am failing it seems like when ever I turn around the housework has stacked up I feel so depressed I have gotten rid of everything I don't use and put everything in its place but everything seems to move as if it has legs of its own .
I will admit I need help with both my depression and my housework I have a doctors appointment inshaallah next week .
I will be working out a daily task list and also a weekly list so as to be able to keep the house sparkle clean inshaallah

History part 1

Who am I ?
That is a question I have been asking myself , I feel like I have lost myself  that I am always putting the needs of others before my own needs yes as a mother the children come first .

I am not complaining about being a mother I am simply morning the loss of who I use to be yes I use to work full time and I enjoyed working .

My work carrer inculed some great jobs I started my work career when I was about 9 years old yes I know that is quite young but when you are part of a migrant family everyone who can work will work because they usally pay by the pound or basket depending on what you are picking, That career lasted until I was 15 years old , it ended abruptly one night or should I say early morning when my father choose to tragicly end his life yes he killed himself .
My next career was as a baby sitter I would watch children and I was good at it soon I was in charge of lots of children one time I was in charge of like 30 children , yeah I know that sounds crazy but their parents were on site and it was my job to keep tabs on all children under the age of  16 years old it was a holiday party of some type or was it a huge potluck party? I forget which as it was years ago , all I remember was it was a fun time and I got to boss around my sisters and brother and their friends because the adults put me in charge .

At the age of 16 I figured out that people would pay me to bake deserts for their parties yes baking was a passion of mine and when I was younger I would bake every chance I could . Baking was my dream job and I use to tell anyone who would listen that I was going to go to baking school and become a baker and I did just that at age 17 I went to a culinary arts program and graduated second in my class with perfect attendance .
Culinary school was fun as well as changelling it was the first time I was alone with out my family and friends ( I guess you could say I was very shetlered in the way I grew up yes yes I did move around alot we didn't own a tv or have eletricty and I had to haul water and wood daily for most of my life as a child chores kept us busy as well as made us strong )
My culinary school was filled with mostly men I think I was one of like 6 women in the class.
The first teacher I had was from  I'm not sure if it was France or Itlay all I remember was his accent was so thick that they had to assign him a teachers aide to translate what he was saying to english , I think it took me like a week to figure out and understand what he was saying and as I usally do when around accents I picked up some of his expressions and slang yes I am really adaptable when it comes to slang and accents because I have lived in so many places as a child it was a easy way to make friends and avoid being picked on to quickly adabt to the way people spoke in that part of the country .
I remember culinary shcool was fun but it was also a very hard time as I wound up with a roommate from hell yes she was that bad no need to go on about it .
I suffered from lonelness and I use to cry myself to sleep I remember being fine while at school or work but as soon as I got back to my apartment I would cry and feel so sad I didn't understand what was going on .................
I have always been prone to wild moods my mother said it was just being a teenager but now I know better it was because I suffer from bipolar disorder along with panic attacks , had I known of this disease when i was a teenager I would have treated it much sooner it took me years before I finally figured out what was wrong with my brain yes bipolar depression is a brain disease .
When I was in culinary school I made a foolish choice now I see that it was totally foolish I got pregnant and had a baby at 19 years old with a person who I only knew for 3 months then we got married 2 months before the baby was born I remember thinking the day before the wedding run run don't marry him but I disreguarded my inner voice and followed through and married the guy yeah yeah I know big mistake that lead to a very bad 2 years of my life being with a abusive man is not easy and I tried everything in my power to make the marriage work , I regret the marriage . I am glad I had the children I love them with only a love a mother can have . What happened next is I reached the breaking point and my life started to unravel and get bad my mom and sisters came to live with us , my mom was in a very abusive relitionship and she called me crying one day so I told her come with the girls and live with me to get away from her abusive drunk husband ( my youngest sister has a different father than me and 2 of my sisters and brother , my father killed himself when I was 15 years old).The abuse I suffered was getting worse then oneday I just reached the point of no return that was the day my now ex attacked my young sister and me he choked us , I was holding my young baby girl at the time all I remember was thinking don't drop the baby and oh god he's doing it in front of my children and sisters that was the end of the marriage he moved out that day and I filed a restraining order .
Then the next stage of my life began I know I was lost and adrift I was struggling to support 2 children as well as my ma and 2 sisters I worked 2 jobs and that was very hard I remember the jobs being very far apart one was in north east and the other was in south west but in a different town yes I live in a city that has a really good metro transit system I would travel from one job to another I would get my sleep on the bus or train I actually really don't remember much of those years only that I always was at work  or going to work then one of the jobs I had got downsized and the other one went full time that made my life easair but the coworkers at that job were plain old horrible they harrassed me both physically , mentally and sexually and no one did anything I complained to the boss and he basically just said deal with it which I tried to do but it got a whole lot worse and I got raped in a walkin freezer I didn't tell anyone I didn't know how to I was frozen scared that he would hurt me and my family my life was in a huge upheavel as my ma and sisters moved away to another state , I was basically on my own a single young mother of 2 young children . My job got worse and it became so bad that I would wake up in the morning feeling ill I would look for any reason to get out of work I remember going in to work and hearing people talk about the guy who raped me he finally got himself fired , he harassed some teenagers and they fired him the night before , what I remember was someone walked up behind me and said so and so was fired for chasing and grabbing S , I remember saying I didn't tell anyone it wasn't me and they were like what are you talking about that's how they found out about me the company didn't really handle it very well I suffered alot I remeber going to  the doctor telling the doctor I was having a heart attack ( it was a panic attack ) I suffered Ptsdd and still do .
During that period I made a huge mistake number 2 I remarried a man I though was nice sweet kind well that's how he acted when I first meet him he help in the beginning once I married him he basically changed overnight he didn't want me working but that really wasn't a problem as the place I worked at had let me go .
This period of my life was the dark deprssion time I basical stayed home with my young children ( still in a huge battle with ex over custody at the time I had full custody he only got supervised visits then he go unsupervised and then weekends .
I decided to go to college it was a way to get out of the house and find a new career as I couldn't work in a kitchen again I have tried but I freak out I can not go into the walk in freezers I go into full blown panic attack.
At college I took as many different classes I did Cna training but decided that wasn't a career I wanted to pruse I took tons of health and fitness classes physicology classes nutrtion classes yoga , excise classes this was a period of rapid development and change for me .
Life at home was hell my husband was very abusive and controling so I avoided going home as much as possible I basically lived at the college I would wake super early go to school and stay until the last class then come home pick children up from babysitters . This was also a time when I was searching for which religion was the right one for me I had started the seach when I turned 18 but now it seem like I needed to find where I belonged I had tried buddhism , hindiusm tarot cards looked into new ageism so confusing and some of it is just plain old scarey so I thought what about a church so I tried going to several different types of churches. Got kicked out of the catholic church because my son freaked out over the statue looked into latter day staints they just plain confused me .
I remember thinking one night what if there is no religion for me I had just gotten a computer at home and that was the day a friend called me to tell me that my sister who is 2 years younger than me had been in a car accident was in the hospaital and she had just been arrested for causing the accident she was on drugs drunk ect and rolled the truck she was driving one person wasn't wearing a seat belt he was thrown from the truck and he died on sence of the accident .
The person who died happened to be a really good childhood friend actual he was my first boyfriend , we never did kiss we just hung out held hands and hugged I was 16 at the time and that was a weird time in my life.
My first reaction was disbelief and shock then I was very sad and upset I remeber sitting at the computer reading about the accident ( my friend had sent me a copy of the newpaper article yes it made the front page )
I remember thinking ok God I am lost help me find my way show me which religion I am supose to follow then I found a muslim forom and started asking questions , a married couple helped me find my way the answered everything with links and sources so I could read and see for myself .
I decided to see if I could wear the hijab before I converted , I didn't have any but I had a very large square cloth think it was a wrap around beach cover up well I folded it in half and wrapped it around my head and pinned it that was my first hijab I wore it for 2 weeks then decided ok I can do the clothing requirements I like and feel comfortable dressing modestly so I took my shahadah over the internet

لا إله إلا الله محمد رسول الله (lā ʾilāha ʾillallāh, Muḥammad rasūlu-llāh) (in Arabic)

There is no god but God, and Muhammad is the messenger of God. (in English)

That was a huge turning point in my life once I did that I decided to change the things that were causing me pain and trouble in my life .
I started seeing a counsolor and working on myself that's when I reliazed that I didn't want to be in a abusive realionship it wasn't fair to me or my children so I got a job in serect and a po box then I set about getting out of a bad abusive marriage . After I got out of the marriage I decided I was bunt out on college so I took a break go a job at a call center and then me and my children had to go into hiding my ex the second on started stalking me and had his friends following me .
This time in my life was so hard and unstable I moved alot worked to many hours and meet a scammer he lied about everything about himself and stole alot from me and my children basiclly he drained my bank accounts but I didn't figure this out until alot later .
I should have realized that he didn't care about me the minute he started trying to change me he didn't want me to wear hijab or dress modestly he wanted to party and go to clubs do all the stuff  that I don't like or want to do .
Once he was out of my life I had the help of a few good muslim sisters ( they are still in my life today I would like to thank them for thier help they know who they are)
I go a apartment and moved got set up then came the heart breaking day in 2006 I will never forget that is the day when the judge decided that my ex would get custody of my children ( yes my older 2 live with their father ) Since then I have had a long and hard fight just to be able to see the children , my ex can be quite mean and spiteful.
this is just a breif history there is more and I'll update when I get a chance

What is the best way to treat anxiety?

A person is affected by a stressful situation to the point that it is affecting their physical and mental health. In addition to making the correct dua'a for anxiety and stress, is it permissible to seek the professional help of a Muslim psychiatrist/psychologist if one feels they may be having some type of mental difficulties in handling their situation? If permissable, would it be necessary to confirm that the doctor himself/herself is following the correct aqeedah?Would it also be permissable to take anti-depressants or mood controlling medication if prescribed in order to better handle one's stress levels.

Praise be to Allaah.  

There is nothing wrong with treating the diseases that befall a person, and this is not forbidden. But that is subject to the condition that the treatment does not cause side effects which are worse than the problem itself. 

We advise the one who is sick – whether that is spiritual (mental) illness such as anxiety and depression, or physical illness such as various kinds of pain – to hasten first of all to treat the problem with ruqyah as prescribed in sharee’ah. This means verses and ahaadeeth which are recommended in sharee’ah and in which the texts state there is healing for diseases. 

Then we advise treating it with natural materials which Allaah has created, such as honey and plants, for Allaah has created special properties in them which may treat many kinds of diseases, and at the same time they do not have any side effects on the one who takes them. 

We think that you should not take artificial chemical remedies for anxiety. For this disease a person needs a spiritual remedy rather than a chemical one. 

So he needs to increase his faith and his trust in his Lord; he needs to make more du’aa’ and pray more. If he does that, his anxiety will be removed. Seeking to relax by means of doing acts of worship has a great effect on the soul, dispelling many kinds of psychological disease. Hence we do not see any benefit in going to a psychologist whose beliefs are corrupt, let alone one who is a kaafir. The more the doctor knows about Allaah and His religion, the better advice he will give to his patient.  

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Whoever works righteousness — whether male or female — while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”

[al-Nahl 16:97] 

It was narrated that Suhayb said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for all his affairs are good, and this applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks, and that is good for him, and it something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.”

(Narrated by Muslim, 2999) 

This world should not be the main concern of the Muslim. Worry about his provision should not find any room in his heart or mind, lest that make his sickness and his anxiety worse. 

It was narrated that Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever is mainly concerned about the Hereafter, Allaah will make him feel independent of others and will make him focused and content, and his worldly affairs will fall into place. But whoever is mainly concerned with this world, Allaah will make him feel in constant need of others and will make him distracted and unfocused, and he will get nothing of this world except what is decreed for him.”

(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2389; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6510). 

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “When a person spends his entire day with no other concern but Allaah alone, Allaah, may He be glorified, will take care of all his needs and take care of all that is worrying him; He will empty his heart so that it will be filled only with love for Him, free his tongue so that it will speak only in remembrance of Him (dhikr) and cause all his faculties to work only in obedience to Him. But if a person spends his entire day with no other concern but this world, Allaah will make him bear its distress, anxiety and pain; He will leave him to sort himself out, and cause his heart to be distracted from the love of Allaah towards the love of some created being, cause his tongue to speak only in remembering people instead of remembering Allaah, and cause him to use his talents and energy in obeying and serving them. So he will strive hard, labouring like some work-animal, to serve something other than Allaah… Everyone who turns away from being a true slave of Allaah and obeying Him and loving Him will be burdened with servitude, love and obedience to some created being. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘And whosoever turns away (blinds himself) from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allaah), We appoint for him a shaytaan (devil) to be a qareen (intimate companion) to him.’ [al-Zukhruf 43:36].”

Al-Fawaa’id, p. 159

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked:

Can a believer become mentally ill? What is the treatment for that according to sharee’ah? Please note that modern medicine treats these illnesses with modern medicines only.

He replied:

Undoubtedly a person may suffer from psychological or mental diseases, such as anxiety about the future and regret for the past. Psychological diseases affect the body more than physical diseases affect it. Treating these diseases by means of the things prescribed in sharee’ah – i.e., ruqyah – is more effective than treating them with physical medicines, as is well known.

One of the means of treating them is mentioned in the saheeh hadeeth from Ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him): “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.” This is one of the remedies prescribed in sharee’ah.

One can also say “Laa ilaaha illa Anta, subhaanaka inni kuntu min al-zaalimeen (none has the right to be worshipped but You (O Allaah), Glorified (and Exalted) be You [above all that (evil) they associate with You]! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers)” [al-Anbiya 21:87 – interpretation of the meaning]. 

Whoever wants to know more than that should refer to what the scholars have written about dhikr, such as al-Waabil al-Sayyib by Ibn al-Qayyim; al-Kalim al-Tayyib by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Tayimiyah; al-Adhkaar by al-Nawawi; Zaad al-Ma’aad by Ibn al-Qayyim. 

But because people’s faith is weak nowadays, they are less receptive to the remedies prescribed in sharee’ah. So people nowadays have started to rely on physical medicines more than on the remedies prescribed in sharee’ah. But when a person’s faith is strong, the remedies prescribed in sharee’ah are completely effective, and may work faster than physical medicine. We all know about the story of the man whom the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent on a campaign and he camped near some Arab people, but those people near whom he camped showed him no hospitality at all. Allaah willed that their leader should be stung by a scorpion, and they said to one another, “Go to those people who have camped nearby, perhaps you will find a raaqi (one who can recite ruqyah) with them.” The Sahaabah said to them, “We will not recite ruqyah for your leader unless you give us such and such a number of sheep.” They said, “Fine.” So one of the Sahaabah went and recited ruqyah for the one who had been stung. He recited Soorat al-Faatihah only, and the one who had been stung got up as if released from a chain. 

Reciting al-Faatihah had such an effect on this man because it came from a heart that was filled with faith. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked him, “How did you come to know that it (Soorat al-Faatihah) could be recited as a ruqyah?” 

But in these times when religious commitment and faith have become weak, people have started to rely on external physical medicines, and they are suffering as a result. 

But on the other hand there are charlatans who play with people’s minds; they are clever and able to trick people, claiming that they are good reciters of ruqyah when in fact they are consuming people’s wealth unlawfully. So people are caught between two extremes; one extreme is those who think that ruqyah has no effect at all, and the other is those tricksters who play with people’s minds by reciting false and deceitful readings. And there are some who are moderate in their approach to this issue.

 Fataawa Islamiyyah, 4/465, 466

 We ask Allaah to protect us and you from the evils of anxiety and worry, and to open our hearts to faith, guidance and tranquility.

Islam Q&A

Du’aa’s to remove depression

Du’aa’s to remove depression

Are there any duas to remove my deppresion?

Praise be to Allaah.

In al-Saheehayn it was reported from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when he felt distressed:

“La ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem ul-Haleem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb il-‘arsh il-‘azeem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb is-samawaati wa Rabb il-ard wa Rabb il-‘arsh il-kareem (there is no god except Allaah, the All-Mighty, the Forbearing; there is no god except Allaah, the Lord of the Mighty Throne; there is no god except Allaah, Lord of the heavens, Lord of the earth and Lord of the noble Throne).”

And it was reported from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when something upset him:

“Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom, bi Rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living One, O Everlasting One, by Your mercy I seek help).”

And it was reported that Asmaa’ bint ‘Umays (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: “Shall I not teach you some words to say when you feel distressed? ‘Allaah, Allaah, Rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an (Allaah, Allaah, my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him).’”

It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:

‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety)’

- but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.”

Al-Kalim al-Tayyib by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, edited by Shaykh al-Albaani, p. 72

www.islamqa.info

head ache update

Been a while since I have posted to be quite honest I have been very busy life seems to be moving at super sonic speed with taking care of bint and ibn as well as trying to keep the house clean and dealing with the unending head ache yesterday saw a physical therapist and she confirmed that it is indeed cause by the muscles in my neck and shoulders being  being so knotted up she gave me some stretches to do 3 times a day and also some strength  excises to make my should blades stronger and help relieve the pain in  my neck she said the pain will get worse before it gets better so I am following her advice and will keep you all updated 

Random Rants don't mind me

Ok enough is enough I need to speak my mind..................................
Here's a brief of what's been on my mind once upon a time I had this friend and she was like my bff or so I thought but then I started hanging out with other people and she got all weird and judgmental about me and my life and how I am raising my children keeping my house and living my life ect then she stopped returning my phone calls and acting basically like a B**** and being just plain out right rude and mean to other people she doesn't even know , she yelled in a sister's face about something that she had no business saying and she doesn't even know jack about   I need someone to talk to and right now I have no one I thought B was my friend but she has stabbed me in the back , I guess I should have seen it coming by the way she was acting she never wanted to hang out with me unless it befitted her all she did was use me for her own gain she was never very helpful and she stressed me out I am glad not to have to hear about all the dumb guys she is talking to on the internet .

What upsets me most is she is being mean to M come on M is a toddler be a grown up and stop acting like a child .

If I could say anything to her I thing I would say to B

You are a real bitch all you do is use people for your own gain and when they are no longer of use to you you discard them you don't know how to be a true friend and you are judging me and acting all high and mighty all I ever did was help you and what do I get for it nothing but disrespect and grief you cause stress and you are a horrible babysitter when I pay someone to babysit I expect them to play with and take care of my children not ignore them and leave them in their carseat to cry you were never a friend and your actions have proved that you are what is called a fairweather friend or a frienemy . You are disrespectful when I say Hi  you ignore me so I will not be talking to you why waste my breath and energy .

I pray to Allah that you move out of O so I do not have to see you and because you dislike living in O so much.

beyond winter blues

Ok Ok I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been battling depression and pain yes I still have this head ache it is never ending I have tried rubbing icy hot into my neck and temples but it doesn't help neither does taking pain medication so I am at my wits end physical therapy excises do nothing to help the pain.
Lately I have just been sitting on the couch and holding my head not much of a life I know .
Doctors don't seem to know how to relieve the pain ....................................................


Oh yeah Aunt Flo showed up yesterday so on top of my head ache that never ends I now have the cramps and backache of that time of month to be honest I just feel plain old depressed wore out and tired but sleep doesn't help not one bit anyway I haven't been sleeping just laying in bed and staring at the ceiling because I can't turn off my mind my thoughts just race around and around like a cat chasing it's tail.  

Retiring my favorite Hijab

Ok I know this is going to sound corny but I have a favorite hijab I wear it all the time I guess you can call it my go to hijab.
 It is a one piece pull on kind , the color is dark black/navy blue with lace on the headband part and bottom.
I have had this hijab for years and it is well worn you can tell by looking at the lace work on the bottom it is showing the wear and the lace has come undone.
I remember when I first got the hijab>
 I didn't much care for it as it was a short one I was thinking what am I going to do with such a short hijab ( at the time I was wearing very long 2 piece hijabs ) and so I threw it in my Hijab drawer and basically I forgot about it.
Then 2 years ago I changed the way I wore hijab .
When I first started wearing hijab I always wore them really long and over my clothes which has some good points as it covers everything.
But it also has a downside as in I'd spill lots of things on my hijabs , yeah I will admit that I am clumsy when it comes to food and drinks then add into that being pregnant and you have a huge recipe for huge mess and some embarrassing moments  .
Then one day I had no long hijabs clean so I grabbed the first solid color hijab I could find and it happened to be a one piece with lace on the front head part and bottom.but it was short it ended at the top of my shoulders so I tucked it into my jilaba  and thus a new fashion of connivance was born .
Yes I am all about easy and comfort when it comes to my hijabs ..........................
I have no patience for wrapping and pinning and I do not care for bright colors , sparkly babbles or bling on my hijabs, for others if they want to wear it be my guest just don't try to make me wear it .
My hijab style is the plainer the better , yeah yeah I know I sound so boring but I have never been one to stand out .

trying something new

Ok so I know the first few posts have been kinda whiny and depressing so I will try to highlight the positive in my life I have come to realize that whining and griping is not going to help me grow in my faith and deen as well as help me over come my feelings of depression and pain.
Just how I will do this I haven't figured out all the details so I guess I will try several things and what works I'll keep doing what doesn't work I will discard yeah I know sounds a lot like life ..........................
I will inshaallah be back later to update my post this is all for now..................
Today was a great day I got to hang out with my friend and go on a long walk with the children
my head ache seems to be a bit better it is not as bad as yesterday and inshaallah it will go away soon

Forgotten anniversary

Yesterday was our Fifth wedding anniversary and guess what as you know it he forgot again well technical the first 3 it doesn't count because he was out of the state and he did remember to bring back presents but this year he just plain old forgot and I made sure he knew it was coming up I marked it on the calendar and gave him several hints last week I flat out asked him if he had plans for the 1st of December and he said no why so I said it's been 5 years he just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about .........................
My day yesterday was blah to begin with I still have the never ending head ache it just won't go away , nothing I have tried has worked so I went to the doctor yeah I know it is no fun going to the doctor and to make matters worse I had to take Bint and Ibn to the doctors office I had to walk from home to the office it's a good 30 minute walk the weather was cold but no so cold it was unmanageable, I bungled up the children nice and warm and off we went got to the office and checked in then had to wait and wait some more then got called back to the room for more waiting finally got to see the doctor she thinks it is related to my muscles and is a combination  of a   tension headache and a migraine and because I have so many allergies to medications and weird reactions she doesn't want to prescribe medication so we are going with physical therapy to see if that will help , while at the doctors office they offered me a flu shot so I got one as did  Bint and Ibn they fussed only a tiny bit then we came back had lunch and I went to the library got books then let the children play in the park for a good 2 1/2 hours because now it is fairly nice outside .
Came home and cleaned the house only to have Bint mess it up in 3 seconds flat  so I re-cleaned the house and   did afternoon prayers the ones I missed while at the doctors office . Then I pulled out some chicken defrosted it in the microwave  , peeled and chopped garlic and onion then sauteed them in a pan until done boiled water to cook noodles then I took some tomato pasta sauce mixed with the chicken then sprinkled Parmesan cheese then baked it in the oven until it was all hot and melty then I waited for hubby to come home but he didn't come home for a long time Bint got fussy so I feed her an Ibn then I put Ibn to sleep as he was tired , Bint watched some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes .
Finally hubby comes home he's in a rotten mood   and starts yelling about the house as far as he's concerned the house is never clean or neat enough I picked up Bint's mess feed him dinner then made hot chocolate milk and served pie for desert  then I put the children to bed Bint woke up Ibn now he's fussy from being awakened .
I gave hubby a very sweet anniversary card with a piece of dark chocolate and he just ignored me he went to bed how is that for a happy anniversary I feel invisible and ignored after hubby was asleep I laid in bed and cried   , he never remembers special days  unless it is with the children he remembers Bint's birthdays and makes a big deal but he never remembers my birthday or any other special day .
He didn't even bother to ask how the doctor's visit went !
I guess I am invisible!

becoming a Moroccan housewife

Ok I have been fighting becoming a stay at home mom and housewife !
Yeah I know some people long to stay home and keep house other are wrapped up in their careers, then there are those who don't have a choice in the matter and either have to work full time or part time to ear earn a living .
I have a choice and my choice is to stay home and raise the children .......................
A bit of background so you will know were I am coming from I was born and raised in the usa my childhood was far from normal , lets just leave the childhood at that best leave the past in the past no need to open old wounds and hurts.
I reverted to Islam in 2004 and the next three years were a trying time in my life.
I married a Moroccan in 2006 and then set about life as normal worked crazy hours for the next few years in 2008 had surgery to untwist my tubes also was in a car accident 3 days after the surgery the car accident messed up my back , neck and hip have seen countless doctors and no one can find a way to relief the pain .
Had a daughter in 2009 and after 3 months on leave returned to work but decided that the work was to much  on top of breastfeeding and caring for a infant , also have always struggled with depression all my life . When my daughter was 8 months old I got pregnant it just happened one day I was fine and busy with life then the next I was pregnant and barfing over the smell of everything the first part of the pregnancy was rough had a cyst and something called a subchorionic hematoma which is a scary way of saying a blood blister inside between the uterus and the placenta and I was on bed rest for a while which is really hard with a very mobile baby who is learning to walk .  now I have a healthy baby boy he was born 2 days after my birthday , my daughter and son are 17 months apart and for the first 6 months of my son's life his sister disliked him and would be mean to him now she has finally accepted him and plays with him but her idea of play isn't always nice she loves to play rough and tumble .
I will be posting about my struggles on becoming a housewife and stay at home mom